The End is Here - last part
The Elephant in the Room
Part B of 2 Parts
It has become more real that we are actually doing this, before long we will move on, and it hurts. Damn it hurts. What’s that old saying; you never miss a drink of water ‘till the well runs dry? I’m feeling this kick in the gut, a visceral sadness of leaving my homeland. I’ve spent time in a lot of counties, but I always came back home. There was a psychic center of gravity. Now this is moving, in a big way.
I connect with most of my friends by Internet, seldom in person. Friends who’ve lasted many years, but now we almost never meet in person. Still, there is this feeling of removal, by the time you read this I’ll be far away. A feeling of difference, of distance. Doesn’t make much sense, but is extremely real, felt by myself and friends. It will be interesting to see who it goes. There might be more to say to each other, seeing things from different places. But it hurts to leave America; it’s been a subliminal kick—blindsided, unexpected and very powerful. I am ashamed to feel this pain—this fear of flying. To leave this country of my fathers, fathers, fathers. My great, great something came from the east to Illinois on a mule with a bible. Must have traveled light. His name was Joshua, that’s all I ever heard about him.
I will leave my native tongue, a way of living—culture. Basic subtle ways of thinking. No Thanksgiving, no Fourth of July. Swedes have Midsummer. A kind of ancient solstice thing. The sun does not set for a couple days. They natives go nuts when it gets warm, and it’s nice, very pleasant. Lasts about three months. The rest of the year it’s dark, almost no sun.You freeze your ass off, then it snows. If your lucky you can pull off a couple weeks in Thailand, or Egypt. Swedes are very into Christmas. There are dinners, partys, much the same as here but different. It’s a tradition to watch old black and white Mickey Mouse cartoons on TV Christmas day. Go figure. I've enjoyed the Christmas I've spent there.
I will have to wait and see. I know what leaving’s like, I am immersed in leaving, letting go of stuff. Makes perfect sense to make this move. Wife says we should have done it sooner and I think so to, but understand my own reluctance to go through this . . . to leave behind so much. To step into another world . . . for the rest of my life.
Stockholm is a great city, very nice. I like it. Two hour train ride from where we will live. The trains are nice, and run on time. Everything runs on time—dependable - like a Volvo. Our small town is easy to get around and has everything a person might need. It’s nice, some nice cafes, great little sushi place . . . good library—if I could just read Swedish. There are two banks couple nice hotels, nice little park. One the edge of town there is a shopping center as big as the Brazil.