It had snowed for 40 days and 40 nights in Sweden. Most Swedes had given up on religion a long time ago, but Noah kept the faith. It was the time of the great white. It was the time of whiteness. There were drifts as big as whales there was no passing, and the food was running out. It was the worst of times.
Johansson prayed. “Dear God, we are snowed in. I fear for the lives of my wife, my children, and my hounds. What shall I do?” Much to his surprise, God answered. “You have pleased me, Noah, son of son of Johan, snifferSwedish Gospel of the snus. You are to build a sled.” “A sled?” Johansson was confused. It didn’t seem like much of an answer. Was he tripping? Was it those mushrooms the dog brought home?
“This is to be a great sled,” God continued. “The mother of all sleds. It shall be 600 cubits long and 200 cubits wide.” “What’s a cubit?” Noah asked. “The length from your elbow to your fingertips,” God told him. “It’s an iffy dimension, but good enough for government work. Go out and chop down tree those still left the by the cutters of the clear who will smother in the blanket I have cast upon the earth. “When the great sled is finished bring onto it, wives, and dogs, and children, pails of lingonberries, meatballs, hard bread, a pairs of crayfish, and some party hats. Take two of the moose, and magpies, litres of strong drink . . . and one can of surstroming which shall never be opened, even onto the year of your death.
“Then what?” Noah asked. “Attacheth all of thy hounds to thy sled and proceeded south, across frozen seas, and days unknown, until thy butter melts. Then thou shall know the City of Angels in the land of California, which is also known as, The Land of Fire and floods, but this shall pass and you will bask in frequent sunlight. You shall never again to know the snow which I have brought upon the earth.
But verily, Noah refused this advice. He borrowed his way out of that frozen hell and created clothes of many layers. He invented the sauna, backhopping, slaloms, ice skates, and a multitude of things unknown back then. Johansson’s words are written in the ancient text of, Weather or Not To Be, in which there are a multitude of followers who refuse to believe in bad weather.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Postcard From Smoothy
A typical day:
I was taking a peaceful floor nap when I was attacked by Neo, a vicious Wheaton Terrier who has come to live with us—God knows why. You would think one dog is more than enough, but now we have two.
He went for the throat, as usual, but I was able to fight him off with cat-like reflexes.
Notice the razor sharp teeth.
I finally manage to calm him down, but it’s not easy.
I think he might be ADHD, but who knows.
If he gets any bigger this could be a serious problem.
Monday, November 13, 2017
It's All About Selling Weapons
Sweden, one of Europe’s few remaining neutral states, will spend $1.3 billion on U.S. missiles to shore up its defenses in the face of Russia’s military resurgence.
Stockholm will pay 10 billion krona for the U.S.-made Patriot surface-to-air missile defense system, choosing it ahead of Franco-Italian rival Eurosam’s SAMP/T missile system, Sweden’s Ministry of Defense announced in a statement this week.
The Swedish armed forces are in a process of reversing a series of military cuts and reintroducing compulsory military service in one of several moves to counter an increasingly boisterous Russian under President Vladimir Putin.